shannonarmenis.com

I like to refer to the following little anecdote as “Behind the Plane Ride”.

We had already taken this trip to Greece once before with my oldest when he was 18 months old. Honestly, we didn’t even bat an eye at the idea of traveling internationally with him. He rose to the occasion and was better behaved on the plane than I was. This was a different time though. While my ability to travel for 16 hours had hopefully improved, I had real concerns about our 3 year old.

You see, out of all three boys, the youngest is one that doesn’t exactly go with the flow. He is more of a swim against the current kind of kid.  He was born with a strong will and spirit, while also lacking a redirecting option. Even still, I remained naively optimistic.

Embracing my strong need for planning, I thought it would be a brilliant move to introduce him to the idea of being on a plane by taking a short flight a few months before the big trip. Since my husband could not get away from work, I decided to take a solo trip with all three boys to Myrtle Beach and visit my Dad and Stepmom for spring break. It is, literally, a 1 hour flight and I felt confident that I could handle anything that could possibly be thrown at me for 60 minutes. I was prepared…heading into war prepared.  In addition I had two soldiers with me, my older two boys.  Everything was moving along smoothly, until we sat down in our assigned seats and the crying began. Screaming may be a little more accurate. Screaming, in row 12 – seat B, as if he were injured and lying on a civil war battlefield with only a shot of whiskey as I amputated a limb.

My older son who was seated in the row in front of us, promptly put his earbuds in, did not make eye contact the duration of the flight and acted as if he had no idea who we were. My middle son who was seated in the row with my youngest and me, looked on in horror as the color quickly drained from his face. The rest of the passengers, although very kind in their offers of candy and help, quickly retreated to their seats in defeat. The screaming and crying continued for about 30 minutes until the plane took off, at which point he fell asleep. Unfortunately, the relief was short lived and he immediately picked up where he had left off with about 15 minutes left in our flight. Upon landing, I sent my Dad a photo I had snapped during his performance intermission, with the message “I am going to need a drink and please, make it strong.”

As we stood up to exit, I quickly announced to the plane “If anyone would like to travel with us again, we head back to Baltimore on Saturday”. They chuckled, I cringed without acknowledging my keen ability to make jokes in uncomfortable situations.

This is the exact story I relayed to my husband, in addition to voicing my concerns. I kind of got the feeling he thought I was exaggerating the situation. That is, until we entered the plane headed to Greece a few months later.

Imagine you have a friend that keeps asking you to get on the tallest, fastest roller coaster that exists. You have already taken a ride on this roller coaster. You’re sure it is a bad idea. You know the friend may never recover from the terror but the friend keeps insisting that there isn’t a roller coaster out there that could be that scary. “Let’s do it” you say and ride the roller coaster, against your better judgment. Just as you inch to the top, you’re frightened but also a little giddy at the idea of watching your friend become paralyzed with fear while at the same time realizing you were right. When the ride ends and comes to a halt, you promptly look over and tell your friend, as they vomit, ” I told you so”. Now, imagine that ride lasts 8 hours, takes place overnight and everyone else on the ride wants to punch you in the face, specifically one French lady seated behind you. That was our plane ride to Greece.

We sat on the runway for a good hour, lengthening the duration of combat time spent on this battlefield. My husband’s expression appeared similar to how I picture his face if we were, together, in the middle of a desert, water less and my head were on fire. My oldest followed his fool proof method of acting like he had never met us before and our middle son followed his lead this time. I was sure that if we could just get in the air, he would fall asleep and victory awaited us. In addition, I had prayed to god for his mercy and given him a dose of children’s Melatonin before we boarded. Before I receive some sort of backlash for giving Melatonin to a 3-year old, I consulted our pediatrician beforehand and suspect had she been traveling on our flight, she would have chosen to prescribe a Quaalude instead.

In between screams, passengers kept throwing lollipops to me like I was some type of amateur mother with a juggling knack, who would board an international flight without a backpack full of candy, toys and activities. I felt their pain and the flight attendants on AirFrance felt mine. They were so kind, understanding and helpful. I highly recommend flying with them if you have an uncooperative, feral-like family member. The French lady seated behind me…. not so much. I ignored her as she rolled her eyes while huffing and puffing after each one of my failed attempts to console him. I understood that this was a difficult situation, but being a jerk wasn’t helping and certainly wasn’t changing a 3-year old’s position about not wanting to be on a plane.

At last, we take off and just as I had suspected the little one falls asleep, albeit with 90% of his body sprawled across my lap and chest. Looking back, I should have been willing to hold a plank with him sleeping on my back for the 7 hour flight, if it ended any sound exiting his lips. I don’t know whether it was the scoliosis in my back or the feeling like I had just gone 12 rounds in a boxing ring, but in any case, I decided that 2 inches of recline could possibly provide me with some comfort and relief for the remainder of the overnight flight. It just so happens that, unbeknownst to me, mon amie was attempting to get up from behind at the exact time I had chosen to recline. I call it Karma. She chose the term “bunch of animals” in French, which I understood crystal clear from studying French in high school and college.

I spent 30 unsuccessful seconds attempting to conjugate French verbs before abandoning my efforts for English and yelled out “I am not an animal, lady, you’re an animal!” At which point my husband, who was seated in front of me, turned around in horror and asked what the hell I was doing. I explained the situation, strategically increasing my volume when confirming that “I understand French” all while staring her down as she stood in line for the WC. This may in fact have served as the metaphorical point on the roller coaster ride where my husband realizes I was right.

I spent the rest of the flight silently scolding myself for not brushing up on my conversational French at some point, over the past 15 years. Pondering how a French lady could possibly dislike a woman that loves Brie and wine as much as I do but as they say in France, C’est la vie!

What I can tell you from this trip is, if I am ever seated behind you on the other side of the same experience, feel free to recline that seat all the way back, sister. Need a drink? I got you. Want me to start a collaborative passenger rendition of Joy to the World by Three Dog Night to drown out your child’s cries? I am on it, because Jeremiah isn’t my only friend. Anyone in your position is also a friend of mine. And if by chance someone so much as looks like they may grab a phone to record your agony, I will knock that bad boy out of their hand with the warrior mastery of a Feudal Japanese Ninja. I got you, weary traveler.

Because sometimes you must walk through the dark to get to the light, even if that light is dim and far away, looking down from the window of an airplane.

I gave Rudy a deadline of 48 hours to respond. He missed it, leading to another email…

Dear Mr. Rudolph Chow,
Remember that time I sent you an email about being overcharged and you sent me one back apologizing and said it was corrected and would never happen again? Yeah, me neither, so here I am again.

I have been checking my email for two days now, anxiously awaiting your response. Unfortunately, I have received nothing but an inbox full of spam. In the past, I have given you guys a ton of leeway and made excuses when I haven’t received a reply… maybe they’re on vacation, it’s cold and water mains are exploding, it’s flu season… but not anymore. 

Look Chow, I don’t take kindly to continually being ignored. You are going to force me to have to come down to the city with the youngest in tow and if I am being completely honest, the kid is kind of a wild card, Rudy. He has also spent the majority of his life witnessing his mother battle “the water company” and his opinion of you guys is in the toilet. I am just giving you fair warning that his behavior, at times, is not what one would call conducive to a productive work environment and let’s face it, Rudy, you guys certainly don’t need any additional distractions, if you know what I mean.

In addition to reading the many articles concerning the gigantic mess you have with the the aging infrastructure and erroneous billing system, I have also kept fairly up to date with the soaring crime rate Baltimore CIty has been experiencing. Your offices have the convenient location of being smack dab in the middle of Baltimore and with limited parking, I am sure. 

Now, I have never personally experienced hostile gun fire but I am going to go out on a limb here and assume that dodging bullets to get to your office is probably going to prove much more difficult while shielding a 3 year old. It also means that I will be forced to take the day off from doing laundry, in my High Efficiency washing machine, of course (wink, wink). I am not sure if you are familiar with the amount of laundry 3 boys can produce, but let me tell you, it ain’t pretty. Why would you want me to have to go through all of that, Rudy? When you have all the information you need at your fingertips? 

It is fairly simple, I need my water meter fixed or replaced immediately and when I say immediately… I mean, like, this week. Not when the youngest heads to kindergarten. I need a credit, once again, issued to my account for the erroneous meter reading from this last billing quarter. If any of this is confusing, I believe it is what is referred to in business circles as “customer service” and “a refund”. Let me know if you need further clarification on these terms. I am fully aware that these duties may not necessarily fall under your job description but remember, we lead by example, Rudy and there is no “I” in team, so get her done.

Respectfully yours,
Shannon Armenis

P.S. It seems I need some type of access code to log into my account on your customer portal that I do not have. Apparently, it is sent on your very first bill, which, in hindsight, I should have saved 5 years ago but you live and learn, Rudy. If you could be a dear and get that to me, I would sincerely appreciate it.

Either Rudy felt my pain or realized that I was bat shit crazy because a few hours after hitting the send button, I received a phone call from a Supervisor at DPW. She informed me that my emails were forwarded to her to handle and that SHE was my contact moving forward, not Mr. Chow. She was not only able to make all necessary credits to my account but also arranged for my meter to be replaced. She was pleasant, efficient, followed up consistently and my water bill has been correct ever since. 

After the last email, Robenia either quit her job or went into the Witness Protection Program because I never did hear from her again. However, I am not only competitive but do not give up that easily. So I accepted the challenge and after a little research found the email of Rudolph Chow, the Director of the City of Baltimore Department of Public Works, at the time. He quietly resigned a few months ago after it was found that some high end condominium complex in Baltimore had not been billed for water in 10 years and owed the DPW millions of dollars. 

Dear Mr. Rudolph Chow,
I have included, for your reading pleasure, a detailed account of my experience with your Department of Public of Works, as well as, email correspondence concerning continuous billing errors with my residential property located in Baltimore County. 

Although the email correspondence only accounts for the past two months, I have been attempting to have this corrected fully for two years. TWO YEARS, RUDY. When I first contacted your department, 730 days ago, I was bouncing my infant son on my knee… he is going to Preschool now, Rudy. 

Although I have now received proper credit to my account, my water consumption has once again mysteriously doubled. I attempted to contact the person who was able to offer assistance in January but it has been two weeks, and still nothing. This seems to be a common theme in your department, in addition to lack of follow through and accepting responsibility for your errors. I figured it was about time to cut out the middle man and head straight to the top of the chain of command. I attempted to copy Mayor Pugh for good measure, as I like to cover all my bases, but her email address isn’t quite as easy to obtain.

Upon browsing your website, I found these eloquent words under your contact information “DPW prides itself on providing quality services and strives to be responsive to your needs.” Lovely photo, by the way! It was a nice touch to be able to put a face to the name. I also would have included a photo with this email but unfortunately, Rudy, I haven’t slept through the night in like 10 years and my nerves are shot from having to deal with your ever efficient department that I can’t hold the camera still enough to capture one. Maybe after all this is done. 🤞Circling back to those delightful words on your website. If I had to pick two words to describe your government monopoly, quality and responsive would absolutely be at the bottom of the list, along with efficient, accurate and expeditious.

In my experience, your billing is so completely arbitrary that I picture a giant Plinko wall in your office where you disperse Plinko chips with my address on them to see where they may fall and what I owe for each quarterly bill. I am going to pay this quarter’s bill, not because I want to, Rudy, but because I have made great strides in potty training the youngest and I need water to effectively continue that progress. Well that, and I am obviously stupid. I would be interested in hearing your thoughts concerning the customer water consumption and it’s appropriation.

It may behoove you, at this point, to scroll down and read all of the previous correspondence, to allow you a full understanding of the situation at hand.

I took the liberty of heading over to your employment opportunities tab to see if you were actively seeking someone who could answer the phone over there in under 20 minutes or respond to an email but it seems your present concern is to obtain more CDL drivers. You’re probably going to want to re-evaluate that, Rudy. I am not trying to tell you how to run your department but as a restaurant owner, if the food was coming out of the kitchen too slow, I am not going to start hiring more bartenders. Just some food for thought.

I would be happy to discuss this over lunch, at our restaurant, where you could enjoy a burger and I would then give you a bill for 4 steaks, just as a thank you for opening my eyes to your business model of charging customers for services not rendered and then of course, ignore you when you asked to be charged for what you actually ate.

In Gratitude,
Shannon Armenis

Edit or delete t

Finally, I received a call from Ms. S who informs me that she was previously a supervisor in the Adjustments Department but had recently switched roles and departments. She did agree to credit my account and forward the request to someone in the Adjustments Department to be processed. She also gave me her contact information should I encounter any further issues, which of course I did.

Robenia,
I have just received my most recent statement for this last billing period and I would like to, first, thank you for FINALLY issuing a credit of $200 to my account. I would, second, like to congratulate the Baltimore City Department of Public Works on their move concerning the doubling of my water usage for this billing quarter. A lot of customers may have overlooked the fact that their water consumption not only doubled, but did so in a billing quarter with 15 days less than the previous one. Not me, Robenia, attention to detail is my thing and only paying for the water my family uses is my game. But I do have to give credit where credit is due so… Well played, DPW, well played.

I am beginning to get the slight feeling that I am being underestimated or mistaken for a fool. I am actually pondering the idea of shopping around a book to publishers filled with nothing but our correspondence concerning this billing issue and using the royalties to pay for the Well that my kids are currently digging in the backyard.

Per our last conversation, I am aware that your position has changed and you are no longer in the Adjustments Department. I generally commend a company that creates opportunities for it’s employees to advance, however, in this particular instance your role change is of extreme concern to me. In two years, you are the only person that has been able to issue a fairly easy billing adjustment to my account and done so with lightning speed.

This whole relationship with your employer is beginning to feel like a bad marriage. I keep giving and the Baltimore City Department of Public Works just keeps taking. It really does feel quite one sided and believe me, I would have broken this relationship off months ago but, unfortunately, I am married to the only Water Supplier in town. So here I am hanging on, hoping one of you guys will bring me flowers and tell me I am pretty but instead you keep overcharging me and insinuating that I am some type of water hoarder.

I am frightened, Ro. This is exactly how things started two years ago. My consumption doubled, then tripled, then reached a point where we were being charged more for our residential water bill than the commercial account for our restaurant. I usually give you the benefit of the doubt during the summer months. I mean, I do water 4 potted plants outside on occasion but during the middle of the winter? What exactly could we have done to double our water consumption? BGE has already slapped me upside the head with their winter billing, but you guys? That’s what we call kicking someone when they’re down, Robenia.

I like you, Ro. Educate me. Lead me into the light of who it is that can get this fixed once and for all. I hope you had a great extended weekend and I look forward to hearing from you upon your return.

Thy Humble Servant,
Shannon Armenis

After my first email, I received a response from the City of Baltimore Department of Public Works stating that my account was being forwarded to the Adjustments Department and that I would be receiving a phone call from a Supervisor by the end of the next business day. 

Good Evening Ms. B,

While I was hopeful that someone would be in contact with me today as you had promised, I have yet to hear from anyone from the adjustments department as of this email.

Look, I get it. I read the newspapers and all the articles detailing the exorbitant mess that is the Water Billing System in the City of Baltimore.


I have read how understaffed your department is in correlation to the amount of accounts that are serviced. I am not here to make your life difficult. Am I frustrated? Yes. But I am willing to do whatever I need to to do to get this resolved as quickly as possible. I am sure that, at this point, you may dread hearing from disgruntled customers as much as I dread having to keep following up with the Department of Public Works.

I appreciate that you were the only person to reach out to me from your department and that you cannot make a colleague pick up a phone and call me, however, you are the closest contact I have to a resolution. Please do not abandon my account, contact me if there is anything I can do to help this along. I promise, I am easy to deal with. Although I am frustrated, I haven’t lost my sense of humor as I would hope you could deduce from my first email. 

If you would prefer to give me the contact information for the supervisor assigned to my case in the Adjustments Department, feel free and you can move on to another customer with a water bill issue. If you can’t, then you will get the opportunity to enjoy my charm for a little longer. I am sincerely hoping that you find this email after a wonderful, relaxing weekend. Looking forward to speaking with you.

Sincerely,
Shannon Armenis

I gave her 2 business days but still nothing. So, I sent her another email. 

Robenia,
Is it okay if I call you Robenia? Although this relationship is beginning to feel a bit one sided, I am still getting the inclination that it will be a long term one. Therefore, it seems suitable that we be on a first name basis.

Moving on to the issue at hand. I will admit Robenia, I was feeling a little hurt that I didn’t hear from anyone on Monday. However, after breaking up somewhere north of 17 fights between my older boys, it dawned on me that your offices were also closed in celebration of the MLK holiday. My happiness and relief was short lived when I didn’t receive a phone call or email on Tuesday either.

I am starting to feel like the Baltimore City Department of Public Works just isn’t that into me but the fact of the matter is, Robenia, I’ve got 99 problems and a water bill is still one of them. It is also beginning to appear that the Adjustments Department Supervisor seems to have somewhat of a mythical existence.

So,where do we go from here, Robenia? What can I do to get the old ball rolling? To quote my good friend, Jerry Maguire, “HELP ME, HELP YOU!” Looking forward to your input.

Namaste,
Shannon

This is the first in a series of email correspondence with the City of Baltimore Department of Public Works. The snarky emails have become a favorite among family and friends. The first email was sent  out of complete frustration, to a contact that I received from our local community representative, after making monthly phone calls for over a year. I will also be adding the additional emails that followed (that’s right, even 1 snarky email did not do the trick, it took several) to the humor folder.